The fifth letter Egality Equality

Reply from my future self ten years later

The ending need not be stated by me; in such an unequal relationship, it can only lead to a conclusion akin to "If only life were as it was at first sight." Do you know what is most fatal? It is when you say, "I do not seek anything in return; I just want to be good to him and see him happy." In truth, it is not like that.

I do not understand why this is the case

A comforting relationship, whether it be friendship, love, or familial ties, should be based on mutual appreciation and respect, without forcing one another to do things they do not wish to do

I didn't even know myself that I am such an impressive person

I am so happy that I feel I could fly

I must be a kapok tree beside you, standing together with you in the form of a tree

A few days ago, I celebrated my birthday. With a heart full of joy, I arrived at school with my backpack. I was not naive enough to think that they would throw me a lively party like they do for each other, but I still couldn't help but hope that they would buy me a beautiful cake and present me with carefully prepared birthday gifts

Then what happened, how did it gradually change its essence

I know that in their hearts, they do not regard me as a friend at all... I am merely a errand runner, a jack of all trades...

However, it is not too bad, because as you mentioned, the relationship established by mutual benefit, like yours, is inherently unstable and can collapse at any moment

Gradually, I noticed that some people took the initiative to approach me and treat me well, and before I knew it, some sincere friends had gathered around me

After you become a better person

Although I still feel very upset, I am reluctant to leave them. They prevent me from being alone all the time, and no one will come to provoke or bully me. I am afraid that after leaving them, they will take revenge on me, and I will have a miserable life. I am scared.

You are still too weak now; you cannot cross the vast ocean of youth alone. You need driftwood, ropes, boats... No matter what appears before you, you will hold on tightly and refuse to let go

Your academic performance is poor, and you are unwilling to put in the effort. You only know how to be good to others, admire them, and envy them, while complaining about the unfairness of fate. You are attracted to beautiful, flamboyant, cheerful girls with a polished appearance because you also want to be like them. Therefore, after getting close to them, you start to imitate and learn from them

In a certain sense, they are indeed friends to be proud of. Is it precisely for this reason that I am not worthy of being their friend? Is there a qualification required to be friends? Must one be on equal footing? To become their friend, must I also be both beautiful and wealthy?

But tomorrow is no longer my birthday

However, it does not matter; after you have grown accustomed to this solitude, after you have finally let go of the weapon you held tightly when you were hurt, you will encounter a true confidant, the kind of confidant for whom a thousand cups of wine are too few.

The person who belittled you the most in the beginning is yourself. At the age of sixteen, you stumbled in friendship but did not grow from it, failing to learn the lesson. At nineteen, you encountered what you thought was love, only to be struck down once again.

But there is nothing at all

At that time, you liked someone, and after much difficulty, you were finally in a mutual relationship, yet you did not know how to interact with him. You only knew to wholeheartedly treat him well, to please him, and you wished you could deliver breakfast to him every day and feed it to him.

Reflecting on my self from ten years ago, which is you, what did you have at that time

Because you are too lonely, this night seems endless, the sea is both cold and silent, looking up, there is an endless expanse, even the moonlight cannot reach here

Sender: Xixi, sixteen years old, favorite subject is Chinese, most disliked subject is physical education

We took turns mentioning a virtue of each other, and only then did I realize that in their eyes, I am intelligent, hardworking, gentle, patient, kind, caring, capable of preparing delicious meals and desserts, and well-read

Later, on one occasion, one of the girls expressed how much she missed the flaky pastries from a certain shop. During my lunch break, I specifically rode my bike to that shop outside the city, braving the scorching sun, and hurried back, allowing her to enjoy them while they were still warm. She was very touched at that moment, hugging me and jumping with joy, saying that I was truly wonderful

They began to make me do this and that. The first time I was too late to finish my homework, I helped them copy it, and from then on, all the homework was done by me; the first time they left something at school and forgot to take it, I delivered it to them, and from then on, I carried all their backpacks; ... everything they wanted to eat was bought by me, and if I was a little late, they would become impatient; they would also criticize my clothing and appearance, mocking me for being unsophisticated and lacking in aesthetic sense ... . ... There are many such instances. Everything they wanted to eat was bought by me, and if I was a little late, they would become impatient; they would also criticize my clothing and appearance, mocking me for being unsophisticated and lacking in aesthetic sense ... . ... There are many such instances.

You have nothing

If I could make only one wish in my lifetime, I would like to use it right now. I wish to have a lifelong good friend who will never leave me. It's not that I don't have friends now, it's just that, how should I put it, I feel that they are not very sincere towards me. I know I shouldn't speak ill of others behind their backs, and I don't even dare to tell my mother, so I can only write this letter to you

The friends I made at school are three very famous girls. One comes from a wealthy family, while the other two are very talented, and they are all quite beautiful. I estimate that there is hardly anyone in the entire school who does not know them. Sometimes, when I walk alongside them, I think to myself that thanks to them, I should have at least a bit of notoriety.

I also do not know how I started to become friends with them. I only remember that during one physical education class, the teacher asked us to practice in pairs, and one girl from the three of them came up to me and smiled, asking if I would like to be her partner. I was so nervous that I could hardly speak clearly. After that, they would occasionally invite me to join them in their activities, and the frequency increased over time. Until one day, while chatting with the girl sitting in front of me, she said, "I really envy you for being able to be friends with them."

For them, it was just an ordinary day. Attending classes, putting on makeup, discussing the newly opened clothing store, and the stars who would be holding concerts next month. I suggested that we go out for dinner together tonight, but each of them had their own plans, so we decided to arrange it for tomorrow instead

Is it tolerance? If I were to answer, I would say it is equality. You need to place yourself in the same position as them and express your thoughts. Perhaps you think they won't even listen, but you must speak out. You always look up to them, cautiously trying to please them; don't you find this way of living exhausting

You have not even grasped this point; you have not made any effort to become the person you aspire to be, and thus you have no right to complain that others do not regard you highly.

Every time they come to ask me to do something, I feel flattered and proud, but after completing these tasks, I feel deeply hurt because they have never considered my feelings

To my future self in ten years

Although I comfort myself deep down that everyone takes what they need, they require a "maid" to run errands, while I need a "friend" to make me appear less alone

At that time, you indeed messed up some things. It is your fault for not respecting yourself, and you should apologize to yourself. Their lack of respect for you is their wrongdoing

Why is it that I cannot encounter true friendship?

No, perhaps I still have not seen through it. If I truly had seen through it, I should be able to let it go

They often make jokes that seem non-offensive to me, but I am actually unhappy. I still have to pretend not to care and laugh with them, and I often use self-deprecation to bridge the distance between us.

Am I not deserving of having some beautiful relationships at all

I am not truly foolish, nor do I spend all day just smiling foolishly; in fact, I see through everything in my heart

If the four of us are late together, they will definitely push me to the front to face the teacher's "storm of criticism". If something goes wrong, I will also be the one to write the reflection on their behalf.

Once, I couldn't help but ask them: "Why do you want to be friends with me?" Someone replied: "Because we like you"

Because no one wants to become you

What do you think is the most important aspect of interpersonal relationships? Is it sincerity? Is it giving? Is it sacrifice?

If I have anything I want them to help with, it will definitely be refused. Once, when I was in severe pain during my menstrual period, I asked them to help me go to the pharmacy to buy painkillers. They made excuses, saying that taking medicine is not good, and what if I got heatstroke in such hot weather? In the end, they poured me a cup of hot water, told me to rest well, and then left.